When women tilt their heads and say to me sympathetically, "I'm sorry you never got to experience the joy of pregnancy" I widen my eyes and say "I'm sorry you've never experienced the joy of adoption!" I truly am.
To these women pregnancy is the way to have a child. Two people who (hopefully) love each other join together and create an experience that brings a precious new life to both of them. They imagine anything else is somehow less - the life is less of a miracle, the experience is less profound, the parenting is less something... less secure, less bonded, perhaps less "real."
To me adoption is the exponent of the creation miracle. Adoption takes the superlative event of humanity and makes it even more so. More profound. More breathtaking. More incomprehensible. More everything.
It is the ultimate trust - very often forged by strangers who searched without knowing who they were searching for, yet found each other among everyone in the world. Birth parents and adoptive parents trust each other to be who they seem to be. Each trust the other to weigh their decision with the greatest care, and to speak only what they know to be true. Birth parents trust adoptive parents with the gift of a life they created, and adoptive parents trust birth parents to know their own hearts.
Experiencing adoption is akin to receiving an organ donation or being rescued from a burning building by a complete stranger. It is incredibly humbling to be chosen to receive a birth mother's grace. At the same time it is intoxicating to know that you have the power to change her life forever by accepting her gift.
If you think my life is less because I will not experience pregnancy, please keep that to yourself. And I'll hold private my thought that yours is less because you have not been blessed to witness the purest form of motherhood - sacrificing one's own heart for the sake of your child.
I will live the rest of my days amazed and grateful that our daughter's birth mother had the grace, maturity and love to give her child the life and the mother God intended her to have.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Adoption: Legacy of an Adopted Child
This poem was sent to me by an incredible woman named Jill. Jill is a devoted mother and sage & sensitive friend, and her perspective on adoption enriches my entire family. I pray that you have (or will find) a Jill in your life.
Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember
The other you call Mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.
The first one gave you life
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love
The second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent
The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home
That she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child
And her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment
Which are you a product of?
Neither my Darling, neither.
Just two different kinds of Love.
[ Author Unknown -- from Aiken Drum ]
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Legacy of an Adopted Child
Once there were two women
Who never knew each other.
One you do not remember
The other you call Mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.
The first one gave you life
And the second taught you to live it.
The first gave you a need for love
The second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent
The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home
That she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child
And her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me through your tears
The age old question unanswered through the years.
Heredity or environment
Which are you a product of?
Neither my Darling, neither.
Just two different kinds of Love.
[ Author Unknown -- from Aiken Drum ]
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Adoption: The Near Miss
When the call finally came I was so excited I almost jumped out of my skin. I screamed and cried and called my sisters. We packed a bag with diapers and formula, arranged an open-ended play date for our soon-to-be Big Sister, and loaded fresh batteries in the camera. We looked for the last time at the empty crib and thanked God. And just before we walked out the door the phone rang again.
The birth mother changed her mind. She's decided to parent by herself... or her mother is going to raise the baby... or the birth father decided not to terminate his rights, or... I wasn't even really listening. It doesn't matter, because it’s not our baby. Again.
I almost called our adoption agency and told them to take our names off the list. I was done. I told my husband that if a birth mother changes her mind and decides to parent, then by all means, she should do so. I will keep her and the baby in my prayers. But no way am I going to go through that again. But we did. And we will again. Because our second child will be ready for us when we least expect it, just like our first was.
And look how well that turned out!
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
The birth mother changed her mind. She's decided to parent by herself... or her mother is going to raise the baby... or the birth father decided not to terminate his rights, or... I wasn't even really listening. It doesn't matter, because it’s not our baby. Again.
I almost called our adoption agency and told them to take our names off the list. I was done. I told my husband that if a birth mother changes her mind and decides to parent, then by all means, she should do so. I will keep her and the baby in my prayers. But no way am I going to go through that again. But we did. And we will again. Because our second child will be ready for us when we least expect it, just like our first was.
And look how well that turned out!
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Cherished Wish
In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined the feelings that motherhood would awaken in me. Adoption has healed my heart, and renewed my faith. Each day, I am inspired to be the best parent I can, by the simple fact that our children's birthmothers and God have entrusted them to us!
That's from the Cherished Wish web site. I encourage you to check it out if you're looking for unique adoption-related gifts (hint: think Mother's Day).
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
That's from the Cherished Wish web site. I encourage you to check it out if you're looking for unique adoption-related gifts (hint: think Mother's Day).
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Saturday, April 26, 2008
From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours
If you aren't familiar with Michael McLean, by all means, let me introduce you to his words and music:
From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours
So many wrong decisions in my past,
I'm not quite sure if I could ever hope to trust my judgment anymore.
But lately I've been thinking, because it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
Chorus:
And maybe you can tell your baby, when you love him so,
that he's been loved before
by someone who delivered your son
from God's arms to my arms to yours.
And if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know
how the one who gave him life could bear to let him go,
just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor
and knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.
I know that you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me
the first time that he ties his shoe or falls or skins his knees?
and could you hold him twice as long when he makes his first mistake
and try to tell him that he's not alone? Sometimes that's all it takes.
And he's not alone. I know how much he'll ache.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me
and I'm not on a soap box singing how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above,
and I'm trusting that you can give this baby both his mother's love.
by Michael McLean <©> 1990
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours
So many wrong decisions in my past,
I'm not quite sure if I could ever hope to trust my judgment anymore.
But lately I've been thinking, because it's all I've had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
Chorus:
And maybe you can tell your baby, when you love him so,
that he's been loved before
by someone who delivered your son
from God's arms to my arms to yours.
And if you choose to tell him and if he wants to know
how the one who gave him life could bear to let him go,
just tell him there were sleepless nights I prayed and paced the floor
and knew the only peace I'd find is if this child was yours.
I know that you don't have to do this, but could you kiss him once for me
the first time that he ties his shoe or falls or skins his knees?
and could you hold him twice as long when he makes his first mistake
and try to tell him that he's not alone? Sometimes that's all it takes.
And he's not alone. I know how much he'll ache.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me
and I'm not on a soap box singing how we all should be.
I'm just trusting in my feelings and I'm trusting God above,
and I'm trusting that you can give this baby both his mother's love.
by Michael McLean <©> 1990
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Birth Mother's Day
We recently received our first invitation to a Birthmother's Day celebration on May 10th, the day before Mother's Day, and it's given me a lot to think about.
Would our daughter's birthmother like to be honored on a day set aside for birthmothers, or would she rather be recognized on Mother's Day? Does she think of herself as a mother?
I think about her a lot on Mother's Day. Mother's Day of 2006 was the "first" for both of us. Was she sad that she didn't have a child in her life, or happy that she gave her child a better life?
I found this article - Birthmother's Day Created Out Of Love...? - written by a birthmother. I was surprised to read about her pain and grief, because my only experience with a birthmother has been with our daughter's, and in her own words, she felt very happy, blessed, and relieved to partner with us for an adoption. I suppose that birth motherhood is different for every woman, as motherhood is.
If you decide to celebrate Birthmother's Day, I recommend HeartMark Designs. They sell cards for adoption-related occasions including Birthmom's day, cards for a birthmom to give her child's adoptive Mom, cards for birthmom's on their birth child's birthday, thinking of you cards, and more! All of their cards were designed and written by birthmothers.
What are your thoughts on Birth Mother's Day?
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Would our daughter's birthmother like to be honored on a day set aside for birthmothers, or would she rather be recognized on Mother's Day? Does she think of herself as a mother?
I think about her a lot on Mother's Day. Mother's Day of 2006 was the "first" for both of us. Was she sad that she didn't have a child in her life, or happy that she gave her child a better life?
I found this article - Birthmother's Day Created Out Of Love...? - written by a birthmother. I was surprised to read about her pain and grief, because my only experience with a birthmother has been with our daughter's, and in her own words, she felt very happy, blessed, and relieved to partner with us for an adoption. I suppose that birth motherhood is different for every woman, as motherhood is.
If you decide to celebrate Birthmother's Day, I recommend HeartMark Designs. They sell cards for adoption-related occasions including Birthmom's day, cards for a birthmom to give her child's adoptive Mom, cards for birthmom's on their birth child's birthday, thinking of you cards, and more! All of their cards were designed and written by birthmothers.
What are your thoughts on Birth Mother's Day?
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Adoption - The Digger Wasp
This poem is adapted from a brilliant work by Paul Fleischman called Joyful Noise: Poems for Two Voices. My presentation of it here pales in comparison to Fleischman's masterful composition of the poem, formatted differently, as a spoken duet. I strongly recommend that you find a copy of Joyful Noise. It's truly remarkable.
Every time I read this poem I'm struck by how like a birth mother a mother digger wasp is, struggling to make the best possible preparations for children she will not raise and may never see, but making the preparations anyway, because she is a mother.
The Digger Wasp
I will never see my children,
they will never gaze on me.
I'll have died when they're emerging next July.
So it must be.
Yet, when they behold the home
I'm digging now for their protection,
safe and snug
far underground,
they'll recognize my deep affection.
When they hatch and find a caterpillar,
stung and paralyzed,
left by me for them to eat
they'll know as well that I was wise.
When they learn I'd dragged it there
in spite of every interference,
weeds and rocks and thieving beetles,
they'll discern my perseverance.
While, cocooned, they pass the winter
safe from snow and ice and chill,
they'll perceive and thank me for
my formidable digging skill.
By the time they're ready,
next July,
to climb up from their cells
and break the burrow's seal and fly away
my young will know me well.
When they care for their own children,
never to be looked upon,
they'll feel my love in replica
and know that they, in turn, were cherished
by the mother digger wasp
whose face and form they never saw.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
Every time I read this poem I'm struck by how like a birth mother a mother digger wasp is, struggling to make the best possible preparations for children she will not raise and may never see, but making the preparations anyway, because she is a mother.
The Digger Wasp
I will never see my children,
they will never gaze on me.
I'll have died when they're emerging next July.
So it must be.
Yet, when they behold the home
I'm digging now for their protection,
safe and snug
far underground,
they'll recognize my deep affection.
When they hatch and find a caterpillar,
stung and paralyzed,
left by me for them to eat
they'll know as well that I was wise.
When they learn I'd dragged it there
in spite of every interference,
weeds and rocks and thieving beetles,
they'll discern my perseverance.
While, cocooned, they pass the winter
safe from snow and ice and chill,
they'll perceive and thank me for
my formidable digging skill.
By the time they're ready,
next July,
to climb up from their cells
and break the burrow's seal and fly away
my young will know me well.
When they care for their own children,
never to be looked upon,
they'll feel my love in replica
and know that they, in turn, were cherished
by the mother digger wasp
whose face and form they never saw.
Sally Bacchetta - Freelance Writer
Freelance Writer
Parenting
Motherhood
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